Torchwood IM, or Why Owen Was Deleted
by nightwish-shadowstalker
Summary: This is purely for laughs. I don't own any of the characters, except the Wraith, nor do I own Ianto's suit.


**A/N: I've had reviews about this, so I'm going to try and clear things up.**

**The Wraith is my character, and the 'screen name' in this is Timelord. THIS ISN'T THE DOCTOR. If it was, I'd have put 'The Doctor' in the character list. If you're still in the dark, I'm going to post a load of character profiles soon, so look to that.**

**If it seems like the middle of a story, that was kind of the point. It's supposed to be a snapshot.**

**Grr. Anyway. Nightwish-shadowstalker, signing off.**

Torchwood e-mails

_El_Captain has signed in_

El_Captain says: I'm bored...anyone out there?

_Jones has signed in_

El_Captain says: Ianto! You're online! Someone to talk to :)

Jones says: Ten out of ten for observation, sir.

El_Captain says: Stop it! You're as bad as the Wraith.

_Timelord has signed in_

Timelord says: I heard that! Or read it. How are the injuries? And remind me to shoot John when he turns up later. Payment in kind, ok? Don't ask.

_Owen! has signed in_

Owen! says: Awful, and yes, we will. By the way, why did anything want to create Weevils in the first place?

Timelord says: Sheer bloody-mindedness, that's why. Evolution's little joke…

Jones says: I'm just glad they _are_ from another planet.

El_Captain says: Changing the subject – Owen, what happened to the autopsy report?

Owen! says: Finished it. I'll drop it off later. Did you ever find out where it came from?

Jones says: …where what came from?

Owen! says: All that stuff on my desk. Looked like spilt cream. Please tell me it's not what it looks like…

Timelord says: ummm...hehehe :) You're in trouble now Harkness

El_Captain: Probably my fault... sorry Owen :(

Jones says: And mine...and yours, Martian boy!

Owen! says: Oh God...You used my desk?!

Timelord says: hehehe... you know it, Ianto. Um, I mean, Jack! At least use your own! And I am emphatically not Martian. We've been over this.

El_Captain: Hey, it was your fault.

Timelord says: Oh, right. Blame the alien. I seem to remember it was you who started it.

El_Captain says: And Owen? I dare you to try thinking about that when you're...

Timelord says: ...In that situation?

El_Captain says: Uh, yeah. Thanks.

Jones says: Haven't you got paperwork to do, Jack?

El_Captain: Yes. But I'd much rather talk to you lot.

Timelord says: Right, and I'm Smokey the Space Pelican. If I know you, Harkness, you want more than chit-chat, don't you?

Owen! says: Ugh. I don't want to know, ta very much.

El_Captain says: Smokey? The Space Pelican?

Timelord says: The one and only :) Don't tell me you never watched that.

Jones says: There is more than one cyberspace chat room on here, you know.

Owen! says: Is there?

Timelord says: There is indeed. I think Gwen's in there though. With Tosh. Talking girl things.

Owen! says: I don't care, just so long as I don't have to listen Sluts One, Two and Three.

El_Captain says: Can't argue with that.

Jones says: Hey! I am not a slut!

El_Captain says: Can't argue with that either.

Timelord says: I'm not either. And at least I didn't end up naked in the cells.

El_Captain says: Not even going to try… more fun to just sit back and watch the fireworks.

Owen! says: Yes you are Ianto, and so is Jack. And that wasn't my fault, actually.

Timelord says: Yes it was. Don't deny it, we all know it's true. And if Jack's a slut, but Ianto isn't, what does that make me?

Owen! says: A Martian.

Timelord says: I AM NOT FROM FUCKING MARS! Fuck's sake. Humans…

_Timelord has signed out_

Jones says: Oh God, he's sulking now. Well done, Owen. I was actually getting some intelligent conversation for once.

Owen! says: Aww, do you miss him? How sweet.

Jones says: Shut up.

Owen! says: Make me.

Jones says: Fine. No coffee for a week!

_Timelord has signed in_

Timelord says: Given up sulking, this is too much fun to miss. Ooh, blackmail! That's new.

El_Captain says: Yeah...where'd you learn that? That worries me :(

Jones says: Wraith, I'm blaming your corrupting influence. Plus, sarcasm gets worse as you age, so that might have something to do with it.

Timelord says: _My_ corrupting influence? Psh. It's that, and prolonged contact with Owen :) In the best possible way, of course.

Jones says: Oh God. Don't put that image in my head. I'm going to go and wash my brain out with gravel now…

Owen! says: Hey! : (

Timelord says: hehehe… Oh, and shut up, Owen. It's as much your fault as mine. And – just out of curiosity – are you upset that I've suggested the idea of you and Ianto making out, or that he's rejected you?

Owen! says: Right, that's it, I've had enough. I'm leaving.

_Owen! has signed out_

Timelord says: He's gone! Finally. But I never did get an answer…

El_Captain says: Hoo-bloody-rah. See you two later?

Jones says: Ok. When?

Timelord says: Nine tonight okay for you two? There's some stuff I want to sort out, and we should probably do some actual work.

El_Captain says: See you then. I have too much paperwork to do :( Save me from the everlasting boredom!

Jones says: You are becoming more and more like UNIT every day. It's terrifying.

El_Captain says: Please?

Timelord says: Hmmm. I think we can manage that. What do you think, Ianto?

Jones says: Definitely.

El_Captain says: Hallelujah. Now get up here!

_El_Captain has signed out_

Timelord says: In the nicest possible way: man whore.

Jones says: Yeah, but he's _my_ man whore, so keep your Martian paws off.

Timelord says: Hmph. Can I help it if he thinks I'm hot? Don't act like you don't, either. You seemed happy enough last night.

Jones says: Yeah, well. It's generally considered fairly bad manners to turn round to someone and tell them to get lost when they're … you know.

Timelord says: Don't try and fight it ;) And, there was something else I wanted to say to you…

Jones says: What?

Timelord says: …

Jones says: What?!

Timelord says: I AM NOT FROM FUCKING MARS! Goddammit. If you EVER call me Martian, I will be forced to punish you, and believe me, you do not want that. Or maybe you do, I don't know ;)

Jones says: Ooh, _kinky_. I wouldn't have put you down as someone like that.

Timelord says: Well, now you know. I'm eight hundred and twenty-six; I think you can assume I've been busy in that time. Even Jack won't know some of the stuff I do.

Jones says: Hm. I should probably be freaked out by the fact that you're nearly 830 years old.

Timelord says: Meh. I should probably be freaked out by the fact that you've only got one heart and you're less than three hundred years old. But you still think I'm hot. Wanna put it to good use?

Jones says: I'm sitting at my desk, don't give me ideas. If you're going to continue like this, we should really get going.

Timelord says: Yes, we should. We should probably do some work as well, you know? I think that's what we actually get paid for.

Jones says: Fuck that.

Timelord says: Mmm… Change the last word of that sentence to 'me' and I'm with you. Oh, and did we ever actually catch that damn Weevil last night? I don't think we did. Who are we blaming?

Jones says: In order: be patient, no, and I'm blaming Jack. He diverted us!

Timelord says: Good enough. And screw patience, I miss you :(

Jones says: …Do you actually mean that?

Timelord says: …Yes. What, am I not allowed to actually care about you?

Jones says: I didn't mean that. I just thought you didn't…

Timelord says: You thought it was just 'fun'.

Jones says: Well, yes.

Timelord says: Meh. Let the truth be spoken, or at least written down in cyberspace. In these damned infernal messages, I declare my love and affection for Ianto Jones.

Jones says: Come find me, I'm in the office upstairs. I want to reply to that in person.

Timelord says: On my way :)

_Timelord has signed out_

Jones says: Wow. That was… unexpected.

_Owen! has signed in_

Owen says: How saccharine. Excuse me while I find a bucket to puke in…

_Owen! has signed out_

_Owen! has been deleted from the network_

_Jones has signed out_

Ianto smiled slightly and leaned back in his chair. "That's better. I've been meaning to do that for ages…" He laughed quietly to himself, imagining Owen's reaction when he tried to sign back in. The smile faded as his thoughts turned back to the Wraith's comments.

'He actually cares about me? Enough to say that he loves me?'

He sighed briefly and loosened the tie around his neck. The Wraith couldn't arrive soon enough.

A few minutes later, the door opened, revealing a tall, wiry young man with pale skin and messy dark hair, dressed entirely in black. Ianto smiled. "Hey."

"Hey," the Wraith replied, sitting on the edge of Ianto's desk. "So…"

"Did you actually mean it?" Ianto asked, the words coming out in a rush. The Wraith looked at him, apparently completely calm.

"Yes." He tilted his head to one side, watching the other's response. "Does that surprise you?"

"Yes. No! I mean–" Ianto sighed and gave up. "Give me a minute."

The Wraith laughed. "Am I going to be right if I translate that to: it does surprise you, you weren't expecting it, but you're kind of happy about it at the same time?"

"Well – yeah. I mean, you always seemed kind of …hesitant. You always seemed to hold back a little. You'd never say what you wanted; you never tried to put yourself first. Maybe I should have guessed from that. You always put us before yourself." Ianto smiled slightly. "You need to learn to be selfish sometimes, you know."

"So teach me," the Wraith replied wryly, lightly trailing his fingertips down over the younger man's jawline.

"Well, you're here, aren't you? That's a start," Ianto said, trying to stay calm as the touch made his skin tingle. "How can you be almost eight hundred and thirty years old and still be shy and awkward?"

The Wraith yanked his hand away and dropped his gaze to the floor, desperately trying not to turn scarlet. Ianto sighed briefly, reaching out and taking his hand.

"I didn't want you to stop…" he smiled. "Come here, gorgeous."

All in all, the Wraith reflected later, it was good that it had been Jack who found them, rather than anyone else. Anyone else might have made some kind of noise and alerted them, or turned and walked away. Jack, on the other hand, just waited until they were done, and then said calmly, "You got started without me, then."


End file.
